Tilo is an excellent choice for a mouse name. Very mousy indeed and very unique. Once the franchise is owned by Disney they will be very grateful for such a high value of brand recognition
Loving the details of the lore. What I especially like is that the hero's heritage is burdened with betrayal, while the rats stand like noble animals - something I would have initially thought opposite (I know we are fighting UNDEAD rats, but still...)
Nevertheless, I couldn't help but find a few inconsistencies within the story:
1.) There is a contradiction when Seith on the one hand writes:
The great battle has passed into myth and legend now – but some facts are indisputable: the mighty Badgers of Baladhon fought and lost and even the Hawks of Halenvir fell from the sky. None of them could turn back the foul invasion.
But a later passage states:
It is interesting to note that the only trace of what might truly have happened in those long-forgotten days can be found in the oral tradition of the Myghlar Magpies, the Truth Sayers, who now inhabit the ancient tower of Periclave. To this day they scour the kingdoms, bartering in the only currency they respect: stories – facts, mostly, but also legends and songs.
I think the problem with these passages is the fake connection between STORY and FACT. A fact is widely considered something which can be proven in a physical form. If not that it is a principal that can be empirically observed to be "quasi" a fact. I don't think this term goes very well with the term STORY. Just my nitpicking, but I found it odd when I read it.
2.) There might actually be some more info to follow up, so, in case Seith has got this all planed out I'm sorry for my nagging. Anyway, something I found initially irritating when reading the story was that the rats were able to single-handedly defeat the green flame and its army. How? was the first thought that entered my mind. I also don't see a reason not to state the means at this stage of the story reveal as to how the rats were able to do what noone else could. I'm sure though that evilkinggumby can come up with something valid
3.) In case we're just transfering a half-way authentic medieval social system to the animal kingdom (hehe), I find it very unfitting that General Jahrlan might have become king had he survived. Seith writes:
Jahrlan did not survive the battle, but had he done so he would have had a chance of becoming king himself.
THE king, not A king... The only way that would have been possible would be by marriage. It feels a bit strange that there is no mention of a king's daughter at this point.
And that's it. Again, I'm sorry for the critizism and I hope it doesn't come across as harsh judgement. It is not, just my feelings that there are a few very slight bumbs in a lovely story's pavement.